I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
