then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
