I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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