is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
