I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
