I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
