I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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