1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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