Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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