I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
And then he peed in my hair
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