so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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