Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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