Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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