She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
