as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
You are the jesus of drinking
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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