I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
