I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
All I want is dick and wine.
Randomize
