Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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