who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
