better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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