I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
