Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
