Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
