Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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