i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
