There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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