I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
