Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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