We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
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I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
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You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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