My nipple is on Facebook.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
