how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
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Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
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We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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