Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
