Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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