You don't have asthma, your pregnant
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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