I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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