If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.