im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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