I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
