you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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