so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
