Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
