nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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