if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Every concussion has its silver lining
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
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