You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Two words: blizzard sex
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
