i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
