I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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