I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
