I hope mine doesn't look like that
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
