I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
