you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
