This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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