Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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