Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
