Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
