I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Randomize
